Being Unapologetically You
March 25th, 2025
Writer: Nicolette Peremen
Editor: Sophia Wohl
Growing up, I was often told I was “too much.” I talked too much; I was too loud; I had too much energy. It was all true—or, at least, I told myself it was. If a song was playing, I was singing over the radio; if there was a dance floor, I was the first one on it. If there was a team game at recess, I appointed myself captain.
Even as a child, it was quite apparent to me that not many people wanted to be friends with a girl that was overly visible. Regardless, I never seemed to mind. My parents were constantly in my ear, reminding me that my very noticeable personality destined me for nothing but greatness. By their standards, anyone who did not want to “put up” with me was merely intimidated or jealous. For a while, I believed them.
It wasn’t until my teen years that my blissful ignorance began to falter, and with that, my sense of self. It was clear that my personality made me an outcast among those my age; only a small number of people were willing to befriend me, and even then it was just a matter of time before I had drained them.
It’s hard to feel wanted when no one is on your side. I knew I couldn’t simply change my personality, but I could hide it—and that’s exactly what I did.
Leadership roles were something I neglected to fight for. If there was a dance floor, I sat with my legs crossed, watching, yearning. I listened when others sang, but did not dare embrace the music myself. I bit my tongue…only speaking when I was spoken to. I made sure not to do anything that would justify their eventual absence. I got pretty good at it. I had somehow managed to paint over my imperfections, covering up every inch of myself that made me feel and seem undesirable.
The issue with paint–something I did not think of prior to actions–is that it dries. In an attempt at social security, I had completely lost sight of myself. I had become a shell of the girl I once was, but at least that meant I would now be more desired by my peers…right? Instead, I had found myself in the same position, just on the opposite end of the spectrum. I talked too little; I was too quiet; I had too little energy.
It wasn’t until then that a sense of clarity slipped through. I had spent so much time and effort trying to mold myself into the version of me that was acceptable–a version of myself that did not feel guilty for being true. Apologizing for being myself was unnecessary and exhausting.
Not too long after this realization, the paint started to chip, revealing my authentic character. Soon after, I had found people who did not love me in spite of my vivacious character, but regardless. After so many years of suppressing my true self, I came to learn that the only person who needed to “put up” with me was myself.
Maybe I don’t talk too much…maybe I am just listened to; maybe I’m not too loud…maybe I am just heard; maybe I don’t have too much energy…maybe I am just passionate and enthusiastic; maybe I am not “too much,” as people loved to label me. Maybe I am just seen.
